Depressed, Black & Gay! A Recipe for Disaster!!!!!!
Oh baby this is a biggie in our community!
Depression is a subject that I can really identify and relate with, because I suffer from it. When I say suffer it is on the deepest level! I know I had this issue from a very young, and growing up in my dysfunctional household was a major factor starting being a sickly infant, and child. To continue my path to my depression molestation, torture & abuse by my older brother was a major factor as well. These forms of abuse lasted from the age of 6 to 16, and my brother being 9 to 19. That was a difficult period in my life, and only by the grace of God I am still here today. I made a choice as to what my sexual orientation would be. Sure I was introduced to this behavior at a very young age in awful manner, and made a choice as to what was & now still is most comfortable to me. That gay lifestyle was my choice because interacting in a social, physical & sexual manner with men is all I know. I was not born to be Gay, and although many will argue all sexualities determined before or at birth. I will argue this is not true, but believe it is true for some. Just not me! I was raised with my who lead the sexual experience of our entire childhood block in the south Bronx.
Why? That was the question I asked myself over and over again. Why me? Why the asthma, the beatings, lifelong bruises, forced sexual situations, threats of silence. Why the mask I force myself to wear even to this day to cover up my pain, and make everybody around me believe everything is great or even perfect in my world. I laugh, play, sing, try to enjoy life, and it is all a deception to fool you into thinking my world is wonderful. I suffer in silence!
The mask is a very important tool but is so dangerous as well. The danger is depression! This sneaky little devil can make you kill yourself. I once tried but it was more like a cry for help instead of actual attempt. Hiding your pain when you crying or even dying inside can be too much to live with! Peace of mind becomes a lifelong struggle. This becomes a reality, and one I wanted to escape from. That escape came in so many forms it’s a wonder I am here today to write this blog. The escapes were isolation, sleeping time away, hard core drugs, and the wallowing of self pity. The psychological pain which led me to make risky decision where it come to sex, drugs, prostitution, the possibility of getting HIV/STI’s as a direct result. I over eat, become rude, and sometimes even behave nasty towards others. These behaviors are self destructive, and the self prescribed prescription to feel better. In the earlier days I did not know there was help, and there was nowhere to turn to. No one to hear my cries!
Over time I have learned to cope with my life, and feel all the bad is in the past. Now depression is periodical, but very much still present, and a factor. No more dope smoke fills the air, hard work, studies, and my own place of solitude I call home. Having these things has made things easier, lighter, and not so much of a crisis. This has become my newer reality, but the damn depression is still lurking around somewhere but not as present, or an issue. From time to time I think which has become something I have become careful of. Thinking about the past can launch me into a deep state of depression. Once it hits I am literary floored, and powerless to stop it. All I can do sleep until it passes! The question now becomes how long will I sleep? A week, 3 months, or a year! Fact is I never can tell, and just sleep and listen to the sounds of time passing by.
What did I do to deserve a life like this? This is another question I ask myself often over time. I came up with only one answer! I was simply born! I know that is a sad thing to think let alone say. I however stop at fixing my thoughts or mouth to say I wish I was never born.
This condition or mental disease if you will has been talked about, debate, studied, and medicated. I am one who never went for pills as a solution. Therapy although will help, but pride gets in the way. I open the door to group therapy to finally address the core issues causing my depression only to find myself in a different place when I am again victimized, but not by brother, but other member of that group who choose to hog group time talking about their abusive situation from their past, and selfishly not giving other the chance to get what they need out of the group therapy situation. To talk it a step further they when you do get the floor, and try to open up it is met with minimization of your abuse. If I had to compare my past with some of theirs I would conclude their abuse as a simple walking in the park. Example: You claim you were abused, but you also say it happen after you behaved in a manner which leads the authority figures in your life to discipline you. This is not abuse, but who am I to determine what abuse is as it pertained to you? Nobody! This is why I have chosen to not minimize their experiences, and keep my opinion to myself. The first step toward getting therapy I have needed for almost 40 years has come to an abrupt halt. Do it or would I try again? Yes! This time it will be in a one on one setting. When will I be ready for the serious under taking again not sure at this point?
The above out lines my road which led to my depression, but it doesn’t end there. Not only do I have to contend with my past as the leading cause of my depression, but now I have to deal with social aspects which contribute to depression. Being an open Gay black man, who suffers from depression! Dealing with the social aspect intensifies greatly. The stigmas that are attached to being Gay, the discrimination once it found out, Homo phobia, internalized homo phobia, and shade being thrown at its own community. The battle to be just be who we are, love who we choose to love, and be treated as equals in society which we make the same contributions as the next man, but are treat as substandard citizens. Depression! Yeah we have great reason to be depressed, and with the social issues as a secondary cause of depression I am not sure I will ever be able to see my way past my personal depression in this life time. The politics to quality should be something which is not debated, yet it is. Equality is guaranteed in the constitution. Those who oppose us seek to change the constitution to suit their own desires. (Not needs) Those who oppose us are not in need of these changes, but more so seek to control, and limit minority groups from growing as a community. Seriously depressing!
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell which was enacted by Former President Clinton during his administration now repealed during Obama’s presidency. DADT should have never been put into law! How you ask a minority groups of people to fight for a freedom, and democracy then tell them they can’t benefit from what they have laid their lives down to obtain for all Americans. Our politics at its best! A hint of relief! A hope that we are heading in the right direction toward equality! Same Sex Marriage yet another area that feels like we are banging our heads against a brick wall. With only a hand full of states signing onto Same Sex Marriages, Domestic Partnerships, or Civil Unions we hold on to a slither of hope that one day we will be equal to all as it is stated in the Constitution. If you’re not depressed this might put you there as you may or may not be empathic to our struggles.
Steve breaks down clinical depression as he views it. His personal testimonial says lots.
Joseph Jefferson is one who has fallen victim to depression! 2010, and his demise was a wakeup call to us all. He displayed no signs of his depression, but them again who does in the Black Gay Men’s community? There are many factors which could have led to suicide! Personal life, professional life working with GMAD! Gay Men of Africa Descent in itself can play a factor in once depression. Doing any kind of work for this organization is hard, demanding work which is not always appreciated. I am one who has worked for this organization, and know firsthand how hard it is. When you have a care about the work you do, and are passionate about it, but you have people who work above you who treats you with little respect, courtesy, and dignity the chances of depression grows. People in higher positions often say you have to have thick skin to work in this field, but I say people in higher positions of power over other needs to stop using the thicker skin bullshit as a justification to treat people badly. I people in position of power should take responsibility, and change their behavior & attitude when addressing others. Diplomacy is a stronger tool you can use that will allow one to learn how to do things a better, more effectively. This will get a better outcome, and leave you employee feeling a since of growth. When you practice coercive tactics with get the job done the only thing you accomplish is making a person feel like a failure, and a desire to want to give up. Rude behavior is counterproductive, and serves no one. What was shocking to me was other community leaders such as James Saunders, and Laurence Pinckney who hosted the memorial service for Jefferson, and GMAD did not sign on to have a presence there until the 11 ½ hour. Their lack of support is mind boggling, and makes a statement not so good for GMAD.
Antoine Craigwell is writing one of the first books addressing this issue, and I look forward to reading it. “Depression in Black Gay Men”: A Silent Issue by Jose Bayona An interesting documentary Featuring Antoine, and a snowball explanation of Joseph Jefferson’s suicide by Tokes Executive Director of GMAD
Depression in Black Gay Men: A Silent Issue from Jose Bayona on Vimeo.
In conclusion Depression is a killer, and society perpetuates issue, and intensifies if when it is so simple. Stop the madness, give us our right, stop debating equality and grant it. Same Sex Marriage does nothing to jeopardize the family unit, Fight Stigma, discrimination, homophobia in all forms, tolerate the choices people make in their lives even if you don’t think it is right. Remember it is our right to make a choice for their lives and ask this simple question. How do those people’s choices affect me & my standard of living? If nothing comes to mind I would urge you to put your differences aside, and join the fight for equality for all. 2010 was an incredible year with all of the bullying which led to his suicide off the GWB in a more publicized case of Tyler Clemente. This get off topic a little bit but in honesty I can write this blog with honorable mention of this case. Joseph Jefferson is the one that really hit home for many in Black Gay Men’s Community. More recently a good friend of mine on FB had his God Brother jump in front of an oncoming train on New Year’s Eve in Chicago. Black should no longer hind your pain, self destruction, and start asking for help. There is no shame in reaching out! Check on your bothers who you might know suffers from this silent but dead illness. Support one another, and the recipe for disaster won’t be so frequently a part of our community.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. did not fight only for Black equality he fought for equality for all. Today is his day in observance.
