Have you ever felt so alone in the world you felt life was no longer worth living? Have you ever ask your God Why am I still here? When will be my time or when will you come for me? I have asked that question so many times over the course of my life and even more these days. I mean when you have no one in your life to truly love you, your job sucks, you have no lover/partner, Distanced from family, you’re not comfortable in your home, no real true to life friends (Cyber not included), You’re dislike or even hated for reasons which you don’t know, health that is failing. You’re discriminated against and stigmatized. Sometimes I think I’ve been placed on this earth just suffer and never to know what it is to be truly happy. What is God’s Divine plan? I’m only going to keep telling myself it my faith that better days lie ahead that keeps me going. I won’t give up! I will continue to help others, continue my search for a lifelong companion, and never stop loving my family even though that love is rarely returned. Find a better job; make your house your home. Pray for a better day!
I was only 6 yrs old, and did not know or understand what you were doing to me!
You are my older brother who was suppose teach me, protect me, and help me grow into a man.
That Easter Sunday in 1972 is a day that will always stay planted firmly in my mind. That was the day you started your path of destruction of my life.
I survived!
When you violated my person in the many ways you did I cried out for you to stop. I cried out for help, but help did not come until after the damage was already done.
I survived!
You entered me with using Revlon Perm did you not know the active ingredient was lye an acid? The scars soon healed both inside & out, but it is the scars on my mind that will always remain planted in my brain for the rest of my life.
StillI survived!
The glass you forced into my pockets & pushed me down on cut my thigh & hurt like hell& 12 stitches to close, and a tetanus shot is what I got along with the memory of how cruel you were to your little brother.
I was meant to survive!
Remember mommy’s boyfriend an officer of the law how’s gun you found while snooping through his draws. You put it to my head & pulled the trigger. Thanks God it was not loaded, and the bullets nowhere to be found.
God’s made me survived!
You tried to smother me with a pillows, bashed my head in with so many items I can’t even count. Drown me, burnt me & ever poison me.
Yet I survived!
You even had the nerve to pull down your pant & defecate on my leg. You made matters worse by finger feeding it to me. To this day I still taste your shit in my mind.
But guess what? I survived!
That line of bleach & ammonia you poured on the floor, as you stood by the door holding two butchers knives forcing an asthmatic to breathe the gases. For many months after I coughed and could taste the gases as my lungs continued to burn. The memory in my still burns my lungs.
My brother I survived!
For 10 long years I cried, cried, and cried some more. Please don’t! I promise to be a good boy, and do as you demand. Please, please, please stop it! I don’t want to hurt any more.
I really survived
Help me, help me somebody please help me. Why has my cries gone unheard? I cry as I toke yet another trip to the emergency room. Mother why do you not see what your son was doing to me? Mother, mommy I know you are not to blame. You had to work but how else could a single mother provide for her two growing boys in the absence of a traditional family unit.
I had to survive
The sudden touch a man’s hand makes me tremble with dis-ease, trust a foreign concept to comprehend. A relationship with another human being seems out of the question. Yet I try, try, and try again.
I continue to survive
My life has been a trip for which there is no quick or easy fix. The process is long, and many times I didn’t wish to go on, but I hold on with the support of professional strangers hoping for a brighter day.
I will survive to see that brighter day!
I was messed up in the head or is it you who is more a mess in your brain? I’ve had more men come in and out of my life I seemed to have lost count, but it is you who is on your 3rd failed marriage & working on the 4th.
I guess you will survive!
I reached out to find out why you hated me so much, and all you’ve ever hinted at with no apology, nor a hint of remorse was simply you were born & mothers fault.
You wanted me dead, but God would not let you have your way. I’m here, and here I will stay. God had a bigger plan, a better plan. A plan full of hopes, achievements, and a mission for me to remain! Remain to help others survive the same pain.
Job well done because if not for you there could be no me helping others and with each other’s support We help one another to survive!
It won’t be an easy road but we will Shine, and thrive, because we survived!
Carl Bean recorded a record long ago titled “I was Born This Way” I believe this to be true in most cases but not in mine. I might not think I was born Gay but truly believe I am a creation of God’s making. I have met so many people over the years, and during the getting to know each other processes the question always comes up whether the other was born Gay or was it an acquired choice. Regardless to this age old question the fact is God made us this way.
This world is filled of hatred, bigotry, with a lack of acceptance, and tolerance. Even the Churches of God refused to believe God made us this way. Where it pertains to the churches one can almost say people who hate Gays must also hate God or his choices for making us Gay. I don’t believe God has made any mistake in his choices of our sexuality, and the problem again is with the people who run the church. These people make judgments based on their beliefs which are reflective of the man above.
I have been shunned for this statement in the past and I will be shunned by it in the future. I have always said to those biblical types the bible is manmade, man written, and man interpreted. Not one I have made this statement to have ever seen, talked to, and heard from his/her mouth the homosexuality is an abomination. Truth be told my God is a loving, understanding, accepting, and a tolerate God, and when they hear directly from his/her mouth that Gay is a sin, and all who engage in these behaviors will be condemned to the depths of hell for all eternity I will be believe it. Until then please, please, please shut your pie hole.
I get tired of hearing how my life is wrong, and it is against God, and this is always coming from people who have not met him. Walk into the light, and return from the light with the proof you preach. The true abominations is in the hatred, lack of tolerance & acceptance displayed by those who seem to think they what is right for all according to the word of God. What’s right for you might not be right for me & what’s right for me might not be what’s right for you. Why can’t we agree to disagree, or do you think it is God’s will to have you commit acts of violence on another group of people because you believe he is saying that way of life is wrong & those who engage in this behavior should be punished, beaten, or put to death. Sad that many people from many different cultures seem to think so. Was that the will of God or is this your excuse to act in an ungodly way? Whoever said God is my judge, and vengeance is in the hands of the lord. That person was right! He was right on all accounts that he/she will pass judgment. I have also heard it said many times that God made Adam & Eve not Adam and Steve or Eve & Jeanine. It was also said to own thane self be true. Who said all of these things? God! Maybe he did but maybe he didn’t. I know I have heard all of these phrases come from the mouth of man, and last I check Man was no God.
My belief in God might differ from your but at the end of the day we all have to follow the law, and the law only frowns on Homosexual behavior, and it is not against the law then we are free to live an alternative life as we see fit to live it. This is life without persecution, and without harm. For those who free to break the law you will pay the consequences in life or even in death. You choose you after life! One of heaven or will it be one of hell. The choice truly is yours.
Whoever said the freak come out at night? If it was you have never seen the likes of me! The freak in me is out during all times of the day & night. Just because it's light out does not mean the freak in me goes in. My freak is with me with every step I take. I go out in the day light, and all I see is freaks as far as I can see. Through my daily travels I see freak everywhere. They might be able to admit it or will only admit it in the shadow or under the cover of night, but they are freak just the same. Time to come out & join the ranks of the super freaks like me!
See there is no shame to my game, and my freak is there always. A super freak yeah that's me, and I make no apologies for it. I love it, and love even more to be in the presence of super freaks like me. The only real super freak I have seen that was totally public with it & was a celebrity was the late super freak Rick James, and the apple of his eye was the late Teena Marie. These two were the serious super freaks; But Rick set it off when he made the record Super Freak. You think he knew what he was talking about? I do!
Where are freaky dudes at? Everywhere!
What make you a freaky dude? Well I can’t speak for you but I can speak for myself & might be able to relate. From the moment I walk out my door I am on a mission to look at sexy dudez, and maybe even court them. This is my attempt to get them into you know where. My bed! My freak nature leads me to always undress every attractive man I see who I would give the time of day to. My freak side makes me think about sex much more then I think I should. It also makes me think I have a problem, and interesting enough I could care less. Now that’s a freaky mutha fucka! I can’t even take a hot bath, or shower without touching myself. I guess you can call it a cold shower or bath with hot water. I know I am a big ole freak & I love it!
What make you a freaky dude? Care to share? I want to know, and might be able to get some ideas to make me an even bigger freak. I don’t think there can be a true limit to a true freak, but yet I do have limits, and yes I still consider myself a big freaky mutha fucka! Let’s do it all except one thing you are not climbing on my back til you put a ring on me. Yes A freaky mutha fucka can be in a committed relationship & be a freak with only the one he love.
I have the nature of a true freak, and I would not change a thing!
Well that enough for now, and I want you to search deep inside your sole, and dig out the inner freakiest in you. What’s more is sharing it! Who knows I be able to get a nut out of your experiences.
Thanks
BeBop
Pride Network, Blog & Show
Disclaimer: Picture displayed in this blog is not own by blogs author, and are simply used as a illustrations of the progressive subject matter.
Depressed, Black & Gay! A Recipe for Disaster!!!!!!
Oh baby this is a biggie in our community!
Depression is a subject that I can really identify and relate with, because I suffer from it. When I say suffer it is on the deepest level! I know I had this issue from a very young, and growing up in my dysfunctional household was a major factor starting being a sickly infant, and child. To continue my path to my depression molestation, torture & abuse by my older brother was a major factor as well. These forms of abuse lasted from the age of 6 to 16, and my brother being 9 to 19. That was a difficult period in my life, and only by the grace of God I am still here today. I made a choice as to what my sexual orientation would be. Sure I was introduced to this behavior at a very young age in awful manner, and made a choice as to what was & now still is most comfortable to me. That gay lifestyle was my choice because interacting in a social, physical & sexual manner with men is all I know. I was not born to be Gay, and although many will argue all sexualities determined before or at birth. I will argue this is not true, but believe it is true for some. Just not me! I was raised with my who lead the sexual experience of our entire childhood block in the south Bronx.
Why? That was the question I asked myself over and over again. Why me? Why the asthma, the beatings, lifelong bruises, forced sexual situations, threats of silence. Why the mask I force myself to wear even to this day to cover up my pain, and make everybody around me believe everything is great or even perfect in my world. I laugh, play, sing, try to enjoy life, and it is all a deception to fool you into thinking my world is wonderful. I suffer in silence!
The mask is a very important tool but is so dangerous as well. The danger is depression! This sneaky little devil can make you kill yourself. I once tried but it was more like a cry for help instead of actual attempt. Hiding your pain when you crying or even dying inside can be too much to live with! Peace of mind becomes a lifelong struggle. This becomes a reality, and one I wanted to escape from. That escape came in so many forms it’s a wonder I am here today to write this blog. The escapes were isolation, sleeping time away, hard core drugs, and the wallowing of self pity. The psychological pain which led me to make risky decision where it come to sex, drugs, prostitution, the possibility of getting HIV/STI’s as a direct result. I over eat, become rude, and sometimes even behave nasty towards others. These behaviors are self destructive, and the self prescribed prescription to feel better. In the earlier days I did not know there was help, and there was nowhere to turn to. No one to hear my cries!
Over time I have learned to cope with my life, and feel all the bad is in the past. Now depression is periodical, but very much still present, and a factor. No more dope smoke fills the air, hard work, studies, and my own place of solitude I call home. Having these things has made things easier, lighter, and not so much of a crisis. This has become my newer reality, but the damn depression is still lurking around somewhere but not as present, or an issue. From time to time I think which has become something I have become careful of. Thinking about the past can launch me into a deep state of depression. Once it hits I am literary floored, and powerless to stop it. All I can do sleep until it passes! The question now becomes how long will I sleep? A week, 3 months, or a year! Fact is I never can tell, and just sleep and listen to the sounds of time passing by.
What did I do to deserve a life like this? This is another question I ask myself often over time. I came up with only one answer! I was simply born! I know that is a sad thing to think let alone say. I however stop at fixing my thoughts or mouth to say I wish I was never born.
This condition or mental disease if you will has been talked about, debate, studied, and medicated. I am one who never went for pills as a solution. Therapy although will help, but pride gets in the way. I open the door to group therapy to finally address the core issues causing my depression only to find myself in a different place when I am again victimized, but not by brother, but other member of that group who choose to hog group time talking about their abusive situation from their past, and selfishly not giving other the chance to get what they need out of the group therapy situation. To talk it a step further they when you do get the floor, and try to open up it is met with minimization of your abuse. If I had to compare my past with some of theirs I would conclude their abuse as a simple walking in the park. Example: You claim you were abused, but you also say it happen after you behaved in a manner which leads the authority figures in your life to discipline you. This is not abuse, but who am I to determine what abuse is as it pertained to you? Nobody! This is why I have chosen to not minimize their experiences, and keep my opinion to myself. The first step toward getting therapy I have needed for almost 40 years has come to an abrupt halt. Do it or would I try again? Yes! This time it will be in a one on one setting. When will I be ready for the serious under taking again not sure at this point?
The above out lines my road which led to my depression, but it doesn’t end there. Not only do I have to contend with my past as the leading cause of my depression, but now I have to deal with social aspects which contribute to depression. Being an open Gay black man, who suffers from depression! Dealing with the social aspect intensifies greatly. The stigmas that are attached to being Gay, the discrimination once it found out, Homo phobia, internalized homo phobia, and shade being thrown at its own community. The battle to be just be who we are, love who we choose to love, and be treated as equals in society which we make the same contributions as the next man, but are treat as substandard citizens. Depression! Yeah we have great reason to be depressed, and with the social issues as a secondary cause of depression I am not sure I will ever be able to see my way past my personal depression in this life time. The politics to quality should be something which is not debated, yet it is. Equality is guaranteed in the constitution. Those who oppose us seek to change the constitution to suit their own desires. (Not needs) Those who oppose us are not in need of these changes, but more so seek to control, and limit minority groups from growing as a community. Seriously depressing!
Don’t Ask Don’t Tell which was enacted by Former President Clinton during his administration now repealed during Obama’s presidency. DADT should have never been put into law! How you ask a minority groups of people to fight for a freedom, and democracy then tell them they can’t benefit from what they have laid their lives down to obtain for all Americans. Our politics at its best! A hint of relief! A hope that we are heading in the right direction toward equality! Same Sex Marriage yet another area that feels like we are banging our heads against a brick wall. With only a hand full of states signing onto Same Sex Marriages, Domestic Partnerships, or Civil Unions we hold on to a slither of hope that one day we will be equal to all as it is stated in the Constitution. If you’re not depressed this might put you there as you may or may not be empathic to our struggles.
Steve breaks down clinical depression as he views it. His personal testimonial says lots.
Joseph Jefferson is one who has fallen victim to depression! 2010, and his demise was a wakeup call to us all. He displayed no signs of his depression, but them again who does in the Black Gay Men’s community? There are many factors which could have led to suicide! Personal life, professional life working with GMAD! Gay Men of Africa Descent in itself can play a factor in once depression. Doing any kind of work for this organization is hard, demanding work which is not always appreciated. I am one who has worked for this organization, and know firsthand how hard it is. When you have a care about the work you do, and are passionate about it, but you have people who work above you who treats you with little respect, courtesy, and dignity the chances of depression grows. People in higher positions often say you have to have thick skin to work in this field, but I say people in higher positions of power over other needs to stop using the thicker skin bullshit as a justification to treat people badly. I people in position of power should take responsibility, and change their behavior & attitude when addressing others. Diplomacy is a stronger tool you can use that will allow one to learn how to do things a better, more effectively. This will get a better outcome, and leave you employee feeling a since of growth. When you practice coercive tactics with get the job done the only thing you accomplish is making a person feel like a failure, and a desire to want to give up. Rude behavior is counterproductive, and serves no one. What was shocking to me was other community leaders such as James Saunders, and Laurence Pinckney who hosted the memorial service for Jefferson, and GMAD did not sign on to have a presence there until the 11 ½ hour. Their lack of support is mind boggling, and makes a statement not so good for GMAD.
Antoine Craigwell is writing one of the first books addressing this issue, and I look forward to reading it. “Depression in Black Gay Men”: A Silent Issue by Jose Bayona An interesting documentary Featuring Antoine, and a snowball explanation of Joseph Jefferson’s suicide by Tokes Executive Director of GMAD
Depression in Black Gay Men: A Silent Issue from Jose Bayona on Vimeo.
In conclusion Depression is a killer, and society perpetuates issue, and intensifies if when it is so simple. Stop the madness, give us our right, stop debating equality and grant it. Same Sex Marriage does nothing to jeopardize the family unit, Fight Stigma, discrimination, homophobia in all forms, tolerate the choices people make in their lives even if you don’t think it is right. Remember it is our right to make a choice for their lives and ask this simple question. How do those people’s choices affect me & my standard of living? If nothing comes to mind I would urge you to put your differences aside, and join the fight for equality for all. 2010 was an incredible year with all of the bullying which led to his suicide off the GWB in a more publicized case of Tyler Clemente. This get off topic a little bit but in honesty I can write this blog with honorable mention of this case. Joseph Jefferson is the one that really hit home for many in Black Gay Men’s Community. More recently a good friend of mine on FB had his God Brother jump in front of an oncoming train on New Year’s Eve in Chicago. Black should no longer hind your pain, self destruction, and start asking for help. There is no shame in reaching out! Check on your bothers who you might know suffers from this silent but dead illness. Support one another, and the recipe for disaster won’t be so frequently a part of our community.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. did not fight only for Black equality he fought for equality for all. Today is his day in observance.
Many times I have met great men who have worked in the adult entertainment industry at some point in their lives, and got out of the business. Porn models, escorts, erotic dancers, and sex workers are designed to entertain us, and satisfy our fantasies in one way or another
These guys are beautiful but have deeply seeded issues from which there might be no return. Aside from the lovers of adult entertainers who were working while in a committed relationship which for the life of me I will never understand nor am I seeking the answers to this puzzling question. I simply chalk it up to them having that understanding, or the lover have developed immunity it this line of work, and views it as just a job. I have found no matter which sector of the industry they have worked once retired most have one thing in common. Their perception of sex and intimacy has been altered dues to that line of work, and the years they’ve done it. I will exclude stripper, erotic dances, and GoGo Boyz unless frequent sex for pay is a factor which many times it is. The aftermath is to the extent of not wanting to have sex often, or very low sex drive. Interesting thing is they think you are the one with the issues.
If you are a single ex adult entertainment or sex worker who has a diminished sexual capacity because of your former chosen career I would imagine it would be hard as hell to find one who will accept those terms, and I will tell you every man from different sectors of this industry who wanted to have a relationship with me are all still single to this very day. Why is this? Simple for me to answer this
question as it has pertained to my experiences with former adult workers. Your perception about sex & intimacy has been altered. I wish I knew how to advise you on how to get back your groove, but that is a struggle for you & you alone.
Without an open mind there is an automatic stigma attached to this line of work either past or present. Most people I know would steer clear of people in the adult/sex service line of work whether it is playing on our fantasies, or the physical act of doing it. It just does not sit right with many! I on the other hand can see a person’s past, and see where they are trying to go towards the further. I also know that people have the ability to makes changes in life, and that is what I home in on. This is the energy I am trying to get at, and help them along on that quest to be better than they once were. I always hoped if it was with a former Adult service worker I could help them along the way. I determined at the cost of compromising my own happiness, and satisfaction just wasn’t worth it.
I once dated a former porn model, and during the act of sex he was not there. His body was here but he was a non participant which made for one boring sexual experience. I was giving it all I had to give, and he just laid there like I was not doing a thing. I nutted fast, and did not want to talk about it after. I enjoyed his company, and if there were two people in the bed enjoying one another it would have been just as great as his company. He was visiting from another state, and I had a great weekend planned which included dinner, long walks, and midnight boat ride. We had the greatest time except in the area of sex. Before the weekend was over he made reference to all of the references to sex I was around house. Erotic picture, my man wall, and after reading some of my pieces he determined I was overly obsessed with sex. Nothing could be further from the truth I argued. The weekend ended & he headed back to his home. We stayed in touch, and really got to know each other. He was a hard worker in his field after the adult industry. He even wanted to move in with me & attend college. He also told me I would get very little sex, but wanted me support him while he went to school. The support would have included me paying all the bills, buying & cooking the food. I was all for it but the issue of sex loomed over us. I revisited this issue, and he stood firm on the fact I was obsessed with sex. At this time I had to put it all out there, and told him how I really felt about his observation, determination & judgment. I don’t have an over obsession with sex. I have an enjoyment of it. There is a big difference I explained. I went on to say your perception with sex & intimacy has been altered because you used your body as a tool to make money. Sorry but there was no way to say that nicely. His feelings were hurt, and he felt belittled which was not my intension. To make a long story short I decided it was not a good idea to enter into a situation where he would get his needs met, and I’d be left with my dick in hand. What would be the point of having a man who could not satisfy my needs as I would satisfy? Ultimately I would have been treated like a sucker, and in the back of my mind I thought he might have left me after getting his degree.
These days I have so much pity, and sorrow for these men who can give only as much as going through the motions, and not being able to feel the passion the interested party wants to express to them. They have been desensitized to true sexual, intimacy, honest, sincere attraction which includes sex. I guess an open mind needs to come from both sides and both parties needs to be willing participants to give it a fear chance. Some people can’t see past their own want, needs, and desires so what the other want is very little of a consideration. I have to ask in the case who is being the selfish one? At times I think it would be me, but a bigger voice in my head says it’s not. Settling for the sake of being in relationship which lacks certain elements would not work no matter how hard you try to make it work. Issues would continue to come up because one is not happy & the other is content because he had it his way. I see no winners in this situation.
What is one to do the achieve happiness? Continue to search for the one who feels right, does right, and treats you the way you feel you should treated. Like the beautiful creation of God you are. Man after man that continues to come & go, and where is there are trying to go? No where except to the next man who will line their pocket with nothing more than change. I guess the old saying is true! You can’t turn a whore into a husband. 3 times I have dated guys over the past 6 years after leaving my lover of 6 years, and being a big porn collector which help take the edge off when there is no one to satisfy me. I have opened files, and much to my surprise I would find them in porn flicks. Once confronted with the newly acquired knowledge interestingly they would deny it. What is the point of lying about it when films tell no lies? A whore will always be a whore, and I wish with every fiber of being this would not be true, but experience after experience has only proven what I know deep inside. You can’t turn a whore into husband.
Some people might agree with the above, and I am sure others will disagree. These are my experiences with those I have encountered formally of the adult industry. For those adult workers who were lucky enough to recondition how they think about the idea of intimacy, and physical attraction I salute you, and wish you nothing but the best. If you have found love you better hold on to it, and if you haven’t keep looking because love is out there for everyone. If you are a former adult worker and still struggling with of opening yourself up for others to come in on a physical level. Please search deep inside your soul and discover what it is you need to get past your past.
Nothing like a good man to tend to your every wants, needs, and desires! You should be willing to give the same in return. We all deserve to be happy even if we don’t have the ability to give the same consideration in return. Someone is out there for everyone!
My spirit has been broken, but I know from these blows I will recover. Broken, and on the edge of not being able to open my heart to another. What would be the point when my heart continues to get trash, and discarded like an old news paper, or day old bagels.
